My friend Josh was telling me today about the girls he’s tried dating since the last time I talked to him this Fall and I started thinking about what I want in a partner. I’d gone through a self-discovery exercise about two years ago after the breakup with J and made a list of the qualities I want and need in a partner to be happy. Earlier this Summer/Fall I started thinking about this list and wondered if I needed to re-evaluate what I want in my life since it’s obviously changed in the last two years.
Yes, some of the things on my list have changed. Then I started wondering if I’m offering all the things to my partner that I need in order to not only be happy myself but be happy in a partnership. You get what you give and I know lately I’ve been cranky and dissatisfied – primarily with myself. It’s not pleasant. Is the unhappiness in my life just an extension of the unhappiness with myself?
My ideal partner is someone who is financially responsible (or at least has started planning for the future), self-motivated, an open communicator, someone with good hygiene and wants a commitment like marriage and a family. I would say that the ones I really fulfill are wanting a commitment and being self-motivated and more or less I’m financially responsible despite having less-than-desirable credit.
As much as I need to be with someone who can communicate their feelings to me openly I know that I’m a shitty communicator. I hate confrontation and I wait until I’m going crazy to bring something up. I grew up in a house where passive aggression was the norm and I still have problems with it. Half the time I don’t realize it until it’s too late but I know that I’m not good at having constructive discussions.
I’ll admit it, I’m not the best with personal hygiene. For the moment it’s because I’ve got serious medical issues but it still disturbs me. It’s tough not only to bathe but also to clean up after myself. I try not to go around being filthy but it’s still something I’m very self-conscious about. Not being able to clean up after myself really is what makes me feel the worst.
Overall I’d say I’m pretty positive – life is good and I’m headed in a good direction. I know there are plenty of good things about me and the other people in my life but there’s no growth without looking at what makes up our lives and what makes us unhappy though. I’m committed to making the best life for me that I can and that includes becoming the best person I can.